Category Archives: empowerment

Do Nothing

From December 28 to February 2, I seemed to do nothing but cough. Three weeks into whatever I had I was finally diagnosed with a sinus infection. However, the cough is still lingering. I coughed so hard for a month that I pulled muscles I never knew I had. For six weeks I basically did nothing when I got home from work. My weekends were spent vegging on the couch. I didn’t feel like doing anything, so I did nothing. It took that long for my body to heal from that nasty virus. (And yes, I was taking vitamins, getting plenty of rest and eating healthy.) For some reason, that virus took hold and didn’t want to let go!

Sometimes, it’s okay to just do nothing. When you’re sick, the best thing is rest and fluids. God created our bodies (if they are relatively healthy) to heal themselves. Those Green Beret white blood cells are truly strong little soldiers! Rest does incredible things for our bodies. Sleep allows healing to occur. I am not a scientist, but I observe.

We can also become mentally sick – depressed. I was depressed for a long time before, during and after my divorce. I went to see my doctor and was prescribed antidepressants. It’s okay to be on medication in order to feel better. If you have pneumonia, you get antibiotics to make you feel better, to heal. Antidepressants help in the same way – they allow you to heal.

I’ve had days when I did absolutely nothing. I was depressed, or tired, or battle weary from the divorce. I felt alone, abandoned, and sad. It was okay to do nothing.  When I rested, I healed. The peace and quiet I found after my divorce helped me to heal.

One cannot expect to be healthy, to be up and running full speed when one has just experienced a traumatic event like a divorce. Give yourself permission to veg, to do nothing. Allow yourself to heal. If you don’t take care of yourself, who else will? Be kind to yourself. Stay tuned. . . .

Advertisements

I’m Still Standing

My oldest sister just celebrated 37 years of wedded bliss. When I called to wish her a Happy Anniversary, part of me was jealous. When I married, I thought I’d be married for a long time. I could never have anticipated the issues that led to my divorce. As far as I know, only one other of my five siblings has experienced the same issues I did in my marriage. Instead of allowing those issues to destroy his marriage and family, he sought help. Now, he helps other men who are dealing with the same issues.

When I heard my brother’s story, I was so grateful to God for working in his life. I was grateful that my brother recognized the value of his marriage and family before it was too late. I was grateful that even though he could have succumbed to a horrible issue and destroy his family, he did not. He ‘hung on by a thread’ and trusted God to rescue him.

My story is different and did not turn out as well as my brother’s. However, what ex meant for harm and destruction, God turned into blessing. I want ex to know that in spite of his actions, in spite of his refusal to abide by court mandated restitution, in spite of his wife’s scathing words to me, I am still standing! I don’t need him to validate my life and my relationships with my children. He no longer has any kind of power in my life.

In the 1990 epic, “Dances with Wolves”, there is a scene where Lt. Dunbar (Kevin Coster) meets Stands with a Fist, a white woman who was adopted as a child into the native tribe. Lt. Dunbar asks her, “Why is that your name?” She replies that when the natives killed her family, she defiantly stood her ground with her fist in the air – a symbol of ferocity and survival.

I stand with my fist in the air, showing ex my defiance, ferocity and survival. I am still standing and I want other women to know it is possible to do the same after a divorce. Don’t allow ex to have power in your life. You may be barely able to stand, but you are standing. That’s the best thing that can happen – to be able to stand in victory after enduring a particularly difficult incident in one’s life. Though I am not able to celebrate ongoing years of marriage, I am able to celebrate survival – and that’s the best thing to celebrate! Stay tuned. . .

Boogie Shoes

One of my favorite bands of the Disco Era was KC and The Sunshine Band. They sang a song called, “Boogie Shoes”, about how KC couldn’t wait to put on his boogie shoes and get movin’ (dancing) with his favorite lady.

Now that the new year is here, it’s time to put on our boogie shoes and get movin’ as well! We’ve gotten past the holidays which were, for many newly divorced women, their first holiday season after their divorce. Pep talk time! The new year brings new adventures and new opportunities for growth – but only if you get movin’!

Resolve to move forward with life, to live the adventure! Forget about all those other New Year’s resolutions – loosing weight, saving money, working less. Those resolutions tend to bite the dust sometime in early February. The easiest resolution to keep is to move forward!!

Don’t allow ex, his latest lady friend, etc. to keep you from moving forward with your life. Don’t cyberstalk him, ask his friends about him, use your children as spies, or anything else you may think of in order to keep tabs on the jerk. Do resolve to do what you need to in order to move forward – sort through your stuff and toss whatever belongs to him, make sure you know how to manage your finances, and don’t be afraid to chase your dreams, to set goals, and to live the adventure!

I will start out the new year by visiting my first grandbaby. Cycle Dude and I may take another long weekend trip in the spring. I am re-learning to roller skate. Life is too short to let someone else have power in your life that they have no business having! Stand up, shake off the divorce dust, put on your boogie shoes and move forward! This is going to be a great year for us! Stay tuned!. . . .

Get Rid of It!

The only reason I would post twice in one day is because I read something that I MUST share! During lunch today, I tapped into the internet to get an update from my favorite news station. The screen that appears before I access my ‘favorites’ is the ISP’s news page. I followed a headline entitled, “Removing These 31 Things From Your Life Will Make You Happier and More Successful” (Credit: Mary Cate Williams).

My top 10 from this piece (in no particular order) are: comparing yourself to others, creating unrealistic expectations for yourself, bad spending habits, fear of the unknown, living in the past, unhealthy relationships, the need to be in control of everything, your need to have the best things, feeling sorry for yourself, and grudges. Five bonus things to get rid of: jealousy, blaming others for your mistakes, resisting change, holding on to stuff you don’t need and your social media obsession.

I see a couple of themes here: be responsible for yourself, be yourself, forgive others, stick to a budget, and it’s okay to let life happen. Your only responsibility is to and for yourself – that includes your time, your money, your resources. Forgive others – your grudges only hurt you. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die. Forgive and move on! And for goodness sake, ditch the social media! Is anyone ever who they really are on social media? Do you really need someone else’s life issues to brood over when you have your own?

Don’t spend beyond your means – you really don’t need the latest and greatest of everything. Like the saying goes, “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, do without”. Stuff begets stuff and you can’t take it with you. Cycle Dude and I have been on a minimalist kick for a few months. Nothing is as liberating as taking a car full of your old stuff to Goodwill. A constant theme I see at estate sales is the amount of stuff people collected and thought they needed to live a good life.

It’s okay to let life happen. Life is an adventure- live it! If you live the rest of your life cooped up in yourself without ever venturing out to learn something new, go somewhere you’ve been dreaming of or are afraid to love again, you will die a sad, angry person. Live the adventure called ‘life’. If you happen to find someone along the way to live it with, that’s a bonus. Get rid of the negativity, anger and bitterness. Look at the good things in life – nature, friends, grandchildren – and resolve to live a good life. Don’t be the old Ebenezer Scrooge. Be the Ebenezer Scrooge who found a wonderful new life, resolving to keep Christmas in his heart each day of the year. Stay tuned!. . .

 

Where Do You Live?

When my youngest sister was little, we taught her how to recite her name, address and phone number in case she ever got lost. She was a source of constant amusement – this little voice repeating over and over her address and phone number. We were all  impressed that she picked up on it so quickly and could confidently tell people where she lived.

Fast forward many years to a totally different place and a totally different person – me. My marriage was crumbling. To be quite honest, it was never really very strong. It took a huge hit by ex’s infidelity two months prior to our 12-year anniversary, then another huge hit when our Christian ministry failed. There were smaller tremors in the years between and after until one day, I knew it was so damaged, it was beyond repair. I remember telling my counselor that for years, I had been telling people my house was on fire and no one believed me – until ex attempted suicide. After that, I lived in a place of intense anger.

I had prayed for God to get a hold of my ex, for Him to mold him into the man he should be. It only seemed that the more I prayed, the more bad stuff happened. I became angry and bitter and wanted nothing more than revenge. I was living in a bad place. The more I stayed in that house of anger and bitterness, the worse my life got. My children started to become estranged. My health suffered.

I remember one of my friends telling me that it was okay to feel anger and bitterness, but I couldn’t stay in that place. I had to forgive and let ex go – I had to move out of that bad place that I was living in. It was like my soul was the house from “It’s a Wonderful Life”. You know the one – where Mary throws a rock and smashes the window as she makes a wish, the house that Mary fixes up and makes into a wonderful home for her family. Only my house wasn’t wonderful – it was cold and damp and dark, filled with cobwebs and other scary things.

I can’t pinpoint the exact day or hour, but one day, I found myself moving out of that house and into a nicer place – like the house from “Miracle on 34th Street”, the one that the little girl wishes for and moves into at the end of the movie. Sometimes it still rains and gets cold and damp, but I don’t live in that cold, broken down house anymore. I live in a house where there is almost always sunshine, where there is peace and happiness. My relationships with my children are getting better and my health is better as well.

So, where do you live? Are you living in a cold, damp, dark broken-down house? Or are you living in a house with lots of windows, where there is peace and happiness? Granted, we all have our bad days, but do your good days outnumber your bad days? Are you living in a place of healing and hope? Maybe it’s time to move. Stay tuned. . . .

 

Going Through Hell? Keep Moving!

I just read about a gentleman who received the Medal of Honor today from President Trump. Army Captain (Ret.), Gary “Mike” Rose was a medic on a covert operation during the Vietnam War. Even though he himself was injured, he kept tending to his wounded comrades. Reporter Lucia I. Suarez Sang, Fox News, writes: “In spite of his own injuries, he didn’t sleep for days to make sure all 16 American soldiers deployed with him made it home. They did.” Captain Rose was going through hell, pinned down by enemy gunfire, but he kept on going.

When I was in the midst of the divorce, my sister reminded me of what Winston Churchill once said: “If you’re going through hell, keep on going.” When you go through a rough time in your life, keep moving forward, because eventually, there is a way out. Don’t turn around and go back, even though what’s behind you may be familiar. Don’t dwell in or on your past. Move forward – put your head down, grit your teeth and move!

I know it’s hard to move forward. At times, you may feel paralyzed, abandoned, unable to think through the ‘brain fog’ or numbness that has set in. Just put one foot in front of the other, even if all you can manage today is one step forward. Did you get out of bed today? Good! Did you have breakfast or fix breakfast for your children? Even better! Did you change out of your pajamas (don’t worry about taking a shower!)? Many kudos! Life will get better.

Things will never be ‘normal’ again and you will have to find your ‘new normal’. Sometimes, that takes a while. It’s okay. And it’s okay to move at your own pace while you move forward. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We all heal at different times and in different ways. Word of warning: Don’t be destructive. If you think you are facing depression, go get help. It’s okay to be on medication until you get back on your feet.

Find a support group – one that encourages its members to move forward at their own pace. Ask a good friend or two to walk with you while you go through this time. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself abundant grace. Look at that lady in the mirror and smile at her because, even though she is going through hell, she is moving forward. Hugs! Stay tuned. . . .

Fall is Here!

Fall is the prettiest season here in MyState. People come from all over the world to visit the national park and October is one of the most crowded times of the year. The small towns near the national park host Octoberfests, Fall Festivals and go all out in decorating for the season. Once fall is over, the towns decorate for Winterfest, a delightful holiday season complete with lights, decorations and special events.

Fall is my favorite season and October is my favorite month because of where I live. I love the different colors of leaves. I love all things pumpkin. I love fall decorations. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And my daughter was born in the fall. I’ve written before about how divorce is season in our lives – things are always changing. I’ve also written before about finding the new ‘normal’ in your life after divorce, about finding your happiness and moving forward in joy.

Divorce is a very difficult time in one’s life – especially if your spouse is the one who filed for the divorce. (In my case, I filed.) You can feel rejected, angry, bitter and depressed. It’s okay to feel those emotions. After all, we are emotional beings. It’s part of what makes us uniquely human. But don’t dwell in those dark emotional places. Find the places that make you feel accepted and happy.

If this is your first holiday season after your divorce, I understand what you’re feeling. Give yourself permission make this holiday season different:

1. Feel free to ‘bow out’ of huge family gatherings: You may not feel like doing the huge family holiday, especially if your ex will be present. Carve out a time for you and your children, or for you and a few close friends, to have a smaller holiday gathering. If your family gets offended, don’t worry about it. You are the most important person right now – your healing trumps everything else.

2. Make new holiday traditions: Bring the stress level down several notches. Do simple things like: go out to see holiday light displays, go out for hot chocolate and pumpkin pie, invite a few close friends over to help you decorate for the holiday, have a pizza and movie night with your adult children. Keep it simple. The less stress, the better.

3. Give back to your community: Volunteer at a women’s shelter, collect coats for the homeless, volunteer for the Salvation Army’s Red Kettle campaign, collect donations for your local animal shelter. Giving back makes you turn outward instead of turning inward and feeling that destructive self-pity.

4. Be an ‘elf’: When you’re in line at Starbucks, pay for the person’s order behind you. When you’re at the grocery store, find an elderly person in the checkout lane and pay for their groceries. Be generous with your time and money. If you know of a single mom, pay her electric bill so she can give her children Christmas.

5. Put on your favorite holiday music and sing along at the top of your lungs! Who cares who’s listening?! Let yourself go! Be giddy and enjoy the spirit of the season!

Divorce can be dark and depressing. It can make the holiday season dark and depressing, too. Don’t dwell in that place! Even if you sing, dance or decorate just a little, at least you’re grabbing some of the holiday spirit. Start out small. One of my favorite post divorce activities was to turn out all the lights except the lights on my decorations – fall leaf swag, Christmas tree, etc. I would make myself a cup of hot chocolate and just sit in the silence with my dogs. It was so peaceful. Let peace reign in your heart this season. Get out and enjoy the sights and smells of fall. This is yet another season in your life. Breathe a prayer of “Thank you” and enjoy the whipped cream on your hot chocolate! Hugs, dear one! Stay tuned. . . .