Handling a Health Crisis

There were several times during my marriage when we did not have health insurance because ex had been fired or quit his job. He was the main breadwinner of the family, so we depended on him for our family’s health insurance. As I look back over those days, I am amazed that during the time of not having health insurance, no major health issues happened with my children.

Fast forward to this past summer. I had my annual mammogram on June 28. A few days later I received a call back from the hospital breast center. They wanted me to come back in for another set of diagnostic tests because they had “found something”. On July 12, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I decided to start a blog about my cancer journey because it was an easier way to communicate en mass than to constantly be sending out texts or messing around in Facebook. Firefox is the best way to view the blog, cmrozmycancerjourney.com.

After the diagnosis of Invasive Ductile Carcinoma in my left breast, I underwent a series of tests. During an MRI, another tumor was found. This one was smaller than the first tumor. I opted for a mastectomy with reconstruction. On August 30, I had surgery to have my left breast removed. I was out of work for 5 weeks on Family Medical Leave. I am now back at work full-time. I was lucky to have had enough sick time and annual leave time accumulated to be able to take Family Medical Leave Time.

I did my homework prior to the testing and surgery. I contacted my insurance company and asked questions like: How much of the cost of the tests and surgery will my insurance cover? What kind of deductible do I have? Are all my doctors in network? Is the hospital in network? What do I need to do prior to surgery regarding insurance provider notification?

Luckily, I have great insurance. The hospital and the university were once together under the same umbrella. They split several years ago and are now separate entities. However, employees of the university still receive a substantial discount for medical services at the hospital. My portion of the medical costs for this cancer comes to about 5% of the overall bill.

But what if you don’t have great insurance and you are facing a health crisis? Medical debt is the number one reason for declaring bankruptcy.

1. Contact your insurance provider and discuss the situation with them. What will they cover? What is your deductible? What is your out-of-pocket?
2. Whatever you do, DO NOT take out a payday loan to cover your medical bills.
3. Talk to the hospital and doctors’ billing offices. See if they are willing to work with you in paying the medical bills.
4. Make a spreadsheet of every medical bill. Pay off the smaller bills first, then pay off the larger bills.
5. Find out if the hospital has a benevolence program and find out if you qualify for a reduction or forgiveness of your medical debt with the hospital.

I had an emergency appendectomy with an overnight hospital stay without insurance. The hospital had a benevolence program and my bill was substantially reduced. Some of my doctors also worked with me to pay their bills.

Facing a health crisis on your own is frightening, especially when you live on a tight budget. That’s why you need to dig and ask questions. What kind of community resources are available to you? Does the hospital have a program to assist with paying medical bills? I am blessed to have a great community around me – my church, my small group from church, my family, my children, my friends and my partner, Cycle Dude. Reach out to your community and ask for help if you are facing a health crisis. Don’t go it alone. We are not meant to face life alone. We are meant to face like in community. Stay tuned. . .

Embrace the Unexpected

2020 has quite literally been turned upside down. A world-wide pandemic, a highly contentious election, a plummeting economy and more. When we rang in 2020 last January 1 at midnight, did we think for one moment that the new year would be like this? I now think, “Meh, it’s 2020. Anything can happen that doesn’t make sense.”

2020 does not have the corner on the market of the unexpected. Life in general is like that. When I married back in 1985, I never expected to get divorced almost 25 years later. As a freshman in college, I never expected to finish my degree almost 31 years later. The unexpected is as much a part of life as breathing, eating, and waking up in the morning. One cannot go through life and never be confronted by the unexpected.

What do we do with the unexpected? We can moan and groan and whine and cry about how life is not fair, about how the unexpected has caught us by surprise and totally messed up our lives. Or we can take a step back and look at where we are at.

The pandemic: Healthcare officials have told us over and over how to deal with this scourge – wear face masks, maintain at least a 6 foot distance from others, wash your hands and stay home from work if you are sick. Do not congregate in large groups. Limit your exposure to others. This advice may also stop the flu from being so rampant. The pandemic has taught the non-healthcare portion of the population how to deal better with a large public illness.

The election: Perhaps in one way, considering the candidates, we should have foreseen a crazy election. We should have expected this kind of election, given the last four years. However, throwing COVID into the mix just made it more crazy. I have friends who live by their TV and get so stressed and upset about the election. I have not turned on my TV once in this election cycle and I early voted yesterday. I am reading and streaming more. The election is there, but it is not my be all and my end all.

The economy: I know what it is like to not have a job when your bills are coming due. I do have a job at this time and I do not take it for granted. Cycle Dude and I still patronize our favorite restaurants even though we order carry-out. We still go to the same grocery store. We give to needs in our community to help our community. Now is not a time to hoard and be selfish. More now than ever, it is a time to be astute with your resources and to give when you can.

Life lessons happen every day. Are we aware of them when they happen? Do we learn from them or do we curse the air? Do we embrace chances to grow and to learn or do we run and hide? 2020 is a chance to grow and to learn. Will we look back and see ourselves with our head stuck in the sand? Will we see ourselves standing with others – red-faced, shouting, glaring, blaming others for our current misfortune? Or will we look back and see that even though 2020 was about as messed up as it comes, we learned something about ourselves and we emerged as better people. Think about it. Embrace the unexpected – grow and learn. Stay tuned. . . .

Do Not Fear the Future

I work on a Division 1 college campus. Classes start next week and already the campus is coming alive as the students start to return – moving into their dorms, finalizing their class schedules, purchasing books and supplies. My department also seems to be waking up from its summer slumber as we welcome the new students and faculty, purchase supplies for various labs and get ready to crack open the new fiscal year.

I enjoy watching the new students, especially the freshmen. They seem to be so excited! (Speaking of excited, the marching band just passed my building! My co-workers and I ran out to cheer them on!) The new students and the new faculty are all looking forward to a great semester.

I remember being a student (non-traditional) and trying to figure out all the unknowns that come with being on a D1 campus. There were a lot of them: At my age, do I still have the ability to study? To write papers? To vigorously pursue an “A”? Will I get along with my younger counterparts? Will I be able to handle all the new technology? I first set foot on a college campus almost 40 years ago – things have changed.

Needless to say, I was successful and graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in History. However, there were plenty of setbacks along the way – I became an empty-nester, my dad died, and I got divorced.  If I had been able to see into the future when I decided to return to school, would I have pursued my degree as passionately as I did or would I have given in to fear and doubt? I am glad I pursued my degree – it is what kept me going through all those changes.

Oftentimes the future can be frightening. As a divorced person, will I grow old alone? As a single once again, will I have enough money to retire comfortably? If I get sick as I get older, will my children take care of me? What does my future hold now that my present has changed so drastically? Luckily, I met Cycle Dude not long after my divorce. My future doesn’t look as frightening now that I have someone to share it with.

However, that doesn’t always happen. We don’t always find someone to share the rest of our lives with and we have to tough it out alone. My best friend is retired. She divorced years ago, but she has great children who live close by and keep an eye on her. I know they will be there to make sure her future is secure.

If you are alone as you look into the future, there are some things you can do to make sure that future is not so frightening:

1. Get your finances in order: Take advantage of community workshops offered through the YMCA, the local senior center, your church or the library. Most of the time these workshops are free. You can also visit your bank to get some good financial advice.
2. Get your health insurance in order: If you plan to retire soon, make sure you know what kind of health insurance plan you are eligible for. From talking to some retired friends, it seems that health insurance for retirees is a complicated thing. Prior to retiring, make sure you talk to someone in HR who will help you navigate through the insurance maze.
3. Get rid of the junk: I have been to many estate sales. I am always amazed at the amount of stuff people have that held value only for them. Do your children a favor and clean out the junk before you die so they don’t have to do it after you die. They’ll thank you.
4. Get out of your shell: Life is depressing when you feel like you don’t have a purpose. Get off your duff and get out there! Volunteer – there are so many opportunities in your community to volunteer with children, animals, the elderly, etc. There are always businesses looking for retirees to add to their payroll because of their expertise, their experience, etc.
5. Get a hobby: Do you sew, knit, craft, build, etc? Put that skill to use in your community.

The future can be frightening because it is an unknown. Work with what you know now, in the present, so you can face the future with more confidence. Stay tuned. . . .

 

Good Stuff Cheap

After I got divorced, I didn’t have a whole lot of money. I had ratty furniture, broken drinking glasses, and other things. I needed to replace some things in my home, but didn’t have the money to do so. I began going to estate sales.

I love estate sales. I have gotten jewelry, Christmas and birthday gifts (for a sister who collects baskets), furniture, clothing, linens and dishes at estate sales. I still have my “napping chair’ (best $50 I ever spent!) and my loveseat that I got before I moved in with Cycle Dude. Estate sales are like garage sales, only better.

In my experience, garage sales tend to be more like junk sales. Estate sales are much better because an expert has reviewed the stuff and has decided whether they can make money from a sale or not. One of my favorite estate sale companies here in Mytown is Seven Seas Estate Sales. I have talked with the owner many times about his sales. He s very discerning when it comes to accepting a ‘good’ sale. Most of the stuff I have gotten has come from his sales.  Why shop estate sales?

1. The junk has been weeded out: If you follow a reputable estate sale company, they will dispose of all the junky, non-sellable stuff. You don’t have to spend your time weeding out through the junk.

2. You can get great bargains: Looking for a set of china? What about a game from your childhood? Don’t want to pay an arm and a leg for a new dining room set? Trying to find a gift for that hard-to-buy-for person? You never know what treasures you will find.

3. They can be an inspiration to weed out your own junk: I am flabbergasted sometimes at the amount of stuff people tend to accumulate and thought they needed in order to live a good life. It’s hard not to add more stuff to my stuff, but most of the time I think, “Oh, my. I don’t want my children to have a two-day sale just to get rid of all my stuff!

4. You find hard-to-find items: People tend to accumulate/collect so much stuff! You may come across an item you have been looking for, but didn’t want to pay a gazillion dollars in an antique store for. Some things are nostalgic – they can remind us of times in our lives, people we knew. It’s fun to go to estate sales.

It’s said that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. There are many treasures to be found at estate sales. Many sales reduce prices on things left after 1pm – 50%-75%. Take some time to visit an estate sale in your area. You don’t need to buy anything, just go and look. Stay tuned. . . .

 

Facing Adversity

Cycle Dude and I like to go to the local used book store to knock around on a rainy day. You never know what you’ll find on the shelves among tons of used books. Last time we went, I found a book by Hoda Kotb, host on NBC’s The Today Show. The book is entitled, “Ten Years Later”.

Hoda writes about “six people who have faced adversity and transformed their lives”. It’s a good book that illustrates the resiliency of humans. As I was reading it today at lunch, I thought, “You know, I’ve faced adversity in the aftermath of my divorce. Here it is almost ten years later and I am still standing, a better person than I was before.” My opinion is in no way meant to discount the adversity others have faced. Adversity is a daily companion to many people.

My adversity went something like this: My credit was shot, ex-husband stopped paying alimony halfway through the court-stipulated time period, I was saddled with medical bills he didn’t pay (as stipulated in the divorce settlement), I had to declare bankruptcy, I was homeless for three weeks, I was almost evicted, and I got kicked out of my apartment for “complaining too much”.

I would agree that some of the adversity was of my own doing. But how was I supposed to pay bills when I was living paycheck to paycheck and my credit was in the toilet? There were many times when I had to make the choice of gas or groceries, electric bill or dog food, doctor visit or rent? People told me to “get rid of” the dogs. Really?! My dogs were my companions and often the only ones who listened to my broken heart at 3am. No – they are family members.

I made too much to qualify for any kind of community assistance. I once went to my church for help in paying my electric bill. The church secretary told me the church didn’t do that and to go to a community service. I went to the community service, only to find out a)  they took a month to process my application for assistance and b) I made too much to qualify. Ex didn’t beat me, so I didn’t qualify for legal assistance to collect the alimony. I didn’t make enough to hire a lawyer.

My adversity? Being invisible. Even though I was on an incredibly tight budget, I did not qualify for any kind of help. Thank God for friends and family members. I say I was invisible because no one saw me as being needy, even though I was. I guess I just asked the wrong people the wrong questions. I always thought that if I won the lottery, I would start a foundation for women like me – who were divorced, but “invisible” – not making enough to meet my monthly obligations, but making too much to qualify for any community services.

Now, almost 10 years later, I live with a wonderful man whom I deeply love, have a great job and still have the pups who were my companions at 3am. My children are near and grandbaby #3 is on the way. My life has been transformed.

Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes. One man’s adversity is another man’s setback. It all depends on how we face adversity. Will we fight it or will we silently surrender? The six people mentioned in the book I referenced earlier fought. I fought. I remember thinking, “I’ll be damned if I am going to let this divorce and ex ruin my life!” Choose to face adversity with as much strength as you can muster. It may take a while, but we can come out on the other side better people than we were before. Stay tuned. . . . .

 

Dogwood Winter

Here in Mytown, we are in the throes of Dogwood Winter. Before June 1 rolls around, we’ll have also gone through Blackberry Winter and several others. What that mean is that it will start to warm up and we’ll all think winter is over. Then, we’ll get into the lower 30’s again for the nighttime lows and not make it out of the 40’s or 50’s for the daytime highs. Eventually, though, winter will finally leave and we’ll enjoy a short spring and a long, humid summer.

Healing after a divorce or other traumatic life event can be like Dogwood Winter. You may find that you are well on your healing journey and may be filling pretty good about life. Then you experience a temporary setback – finances, ex drags you into court again, etc. Life may be blooming all round you, but in your particular neck of the woods, it seems like winter will not let go. What do you do?

1. Don’t put away your winter clothes: In other words, be ready for anything. You know how when the doctor will say of someone, “They’re not out of the woods yet”? Well, you’re not out of the woods yet. Be prepared for anything.

2. Keep your eyes on the forecast: What’s the long-term outlook? Are you in a place where you need to begin to establish your own credit? Do you have a 401K and how much/how often do you contribute to it? Get help in getting a hold of your finances. The long-term forecast is that you need to be in control of your own finances.

3. Adjust your thermostat accordingly: Even though it may be cold for a few more days or weeks, it will eventually warm up and spring will really, truly be here. You may be going through a rough time at the moment. Don’t be afraid to seek out professional help. More and more companies have EAPs – Employee Assistance Plans. These plans include mental health and financial services. If your employer has an EAP, take advantage of it! Your employer pays into the services so that you can take advantage of them for free.

4. Protect your tender plants: You’ve made a great deal of headway over the past few months and years. Don’t let a temporary setback freeze out those tender advances you’ve made in your healing journey. If you don’t already, journal so that you can see where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. Journal the progress you’ve made in your healing journey. Remind yourself of where you were several weeks ago, several months ago and look where you are now.

Blackberry winter will most likely hit Mytown sometime in mid-May. We’re ready – it happens almost every year. Be prepared for setback in your healing journey. Sometimes, they are the best way to gauge where you are and how strong you’ve become. Stay tuned . . . .

Things That Matter

Last January, I bought a new car – a Nissan Versa in gun-metal gray that I named Jet. Jet does not have many bells or whistles – he does not have power windows or locks, heated seats or back seats that fold down or  lot of other things. That’s fine with me. He has what matters – the ability to get me dependably from point A to point B. He does that quite well and doesn’t use a whole lot of gas in the process. In fact, I discovered this morning that he also does quite well on snow and ice.

For me, getting divorced took me from a house full of stuff to an apartment full of half that stuff. The longer I lived in the apartment, the more stuff I got rid of. When I moved in with Cycle Dude, I got rid of tons more stuff. Truth be told, I could probably get rid of even more stuff.

Stuff wasn’t the only thing I got rid of. Friends who knew ex and I together seemed to evaporate. I also got rid of a great deal of anxiety, suspicion, and (eventually) anger. I felt like my life was like an onion, peeling away layer after layer. I finally got down to the things that matter.

I don’t have the latest, greatest and most updatest of everything – I don’t need it. Jet doesn’t have tons of bells and whistles – I don’t need it. I don’t have a walk-in closet full of clothes or shoes – I don’t need it. I don’t have a house full of knick-knacks – I don’t need it.

What do I need and what are the things that matter in my life? My faith, my children, my grandbaby, my sweetheart (Cycle Dude), my pups, my family, a roof over my head, food in the fridge and a job that meets my financial needs. My perspective has changed a great deal over the past seven years. My needs are met with simplicity and my wants are few. I find happiness in relationships, not things. I get to come home each day to three of my favorite people – Cycle Dude, Jack and Shirley. And for that, I am grateful! Stay tuned. . . .

 

Blessed

Christmas is only a few days away. I am keenly aware that this time of year can be incredibly stressful on its own without adding the additional stress of going through a divorce. I also know that the holidays can be a painful part of the year, too – especially if one has experienced a loss during the year. I remember the first holiday season after my dad died – we felt empty, like something was missing. The holidays are still a rough time for my mom because she misses my dad so much.

I divorced right before Christmas seven years ago. As a result, I didn’t have much money, but I did have a great deal of anger. I was angry that my finances were shot. I was angry that my children did not have good holiday memories like I did. I was angry that ex had more money and was able to give my children more for Christmas than I was. That first Christmas after my divorce was not a very good one.

I was so angry for so long that I lost sight of one thing – how blessed I was. I had a roof over my head, a job, food in my cupboards, a car that ran and people who loved me. God had provided the things I needed. There is a big difference between needs and wants. Our needs are those basics we need for survival, food, shelter and clothing. The wants are everything else – a car, a cell phone, new shoes. Even with as little as I had, I was still richer than many people in other parts of the world.

I am blessed. I do not have the latest and greatest of everything – I don’t need it. I don’t have a car with all the bells and whistles – I don’t need it. I content with what I have, where I am, and with whom I am sharing my life. I have man who loves me. I have a new grand baby. I have six amazing children. My mom is in good health. My siblings are all doing well. I have a good job and a good boss. I have two hilarious pups who think I am everything. I have wonderful friends. What else is there?

The floor beneath my Christmas tree is not stacked high with gifts. I didn’t go into debt to buy gifts this year. My bills are paid. I am content. I am blessed. I thank God for keeping me in His care. As this year comes to a close, I do not wish for next year to bring financial prosperity or more stuff, I wish for more opportunities to serve – my coworkers, my family, Cycle Dude, my church and my community. I am blessed and I wish to bless others.

Keep a quiet heart this holiday season as you meditate on the reason for the season – Jesus. Don’t allow yourself to become overwhelmed by expectations, relationships and unfulfilled promises. Know that you are loved. Stay tuned. . . .

Get Rid of It!

The only reason I would post twice in one day is because I read something that I MUST share! During lunch today, I tapped into the internet to get an update from my favorite news station. The screen that appears before I access my ‘favorites’ is the ISP’s news page. I followed a headline entitled, “Removing These 31 Things From Your Life Will Make You Happier and More Successful” (Credit: Mary Cate Williams).

My top 10 from this piece (in no particular order) are: comparing yourself to others, creating unrealistic expectations for yourself, bad spending habits, fear of the unknown, living in the past, unhealthy relationships, the need to be in control of everything, your need to have the best things, feeling sorry for yourself, and grudges. Five bonus things to get rid of: jealousy, blaming others for your mistakes, resisting change, holding on to stuff you don’t need and your social media obsession.

I see a couple of themes here: be responsible for yourself, be yourself, forgive others, stick to a budget, and it’s okay to let life happen. Your only responsibility is to and for yourself – that includes your time, your money, your resources. Forgive others – your grudges only hurt you. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die. Forgive and move on! And for goodness sake, ditch the social media! Is anyone ever who they really are on social media? Do you really need someone else’s life issues to brood over when you have your own?

Don’t spend beyond your means – you really don’t need the latest and greatest of everything. Like the saying goes, “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, do without”. Stuff begets stuff and you can’t take it with you. Cycle Dude and I have been on a minimalist kick for a few months. Nothing is as liberating as taking a car full of your old stuff to Goodwill. A constant theme I see at estate sales is the amount of stuff people collected and thought they needed to live a good life.

It’s okay to let life happen. Life is an adventure- live it! If you live the rest of your life cooped up in yourself without ever venturing out to learn something new, go somewhere you’ve been dreaming of or are afraid to love again, you will die a sad, angry person. Live the adventure called ‘life’. If you happen to find someone along the way to live it with, that’s a bonus. Get rid of the negativity, anger and bitterness. Look at the good things in life – nature, friends, grandchildren – and resolve to live a good life. Don’t be the old Ebenezer Scrooge. Be the Ebenezer Scrooge who found a wonderful new life, resolving to keep Christmas in his heart each day of the year. Stay tuned!. . .

 

Being Resourceful

Eighteen months after I got divorced, ex stopped paying court-ordered spousal support. He felt he was above the law and able to make that decision. I tried legal means to get him to pay the remainder of the money, but he just ignored my attorney and his attorney when they tried to contact him. I didn’t have the money to pursue him any further. He said it was his job to “make (me) stand on (my) own two feet”. We weren’t even married anymore! How could he think he still had power over my life?!

I guess I could be grateful for that time in my life because it taught me how to be resourceful. I had a lot of debt and not a lot of money. I had to get creative with meals, bill paying, Christmas and birthday gifts, etc.

1. Keep a change jar: My change jar was often my lifesaver, even it was just $5 in my gas tank. Change adds up quickly.

2. Grocery shop for items that will last a while: Frozen fruits and veggies instead of fresh, rice and pasta, tea bags to make your own iced tea, etc. I remember making a rice dish with whatever was in my refrigerator. I had that for lunch and dinner for one week. Yes, it got boring, but it filled my tummy. Eat oatmeal and eggs – not just for breakfast but for other meals as well. Both will fill you up.

3. Make gifts with what you have on hand: My siblings and I exchange Christmas ornaments every year. One year, My Christmas ornament was a laminated maple leaf from the tree beside my house. The leaves were a deep shade of crimson.

4. Be creative – use your talents: Another year for a Christmas ornament, I knitted Christmas trees and attached small buttons as ornaments. If you sew, use your material scraps to make “hodge-podge” ornaments. If you like to take pictures, frame your favorites and give them as gifts.

5. Turn down the heat, turn up the air conditioning: Turn the heat down a few degrees in winter (68) and turn the air up a few degrees in the summer (75). Invest in a fan and open your windows. Conserve water by running your dishwasher only when it’s full. Shower and do laundry at night when the energy demand is less.

6. Use public transportation (if possible): I would often park my car and take the bus from my apartment to work. Granted, I had to walk a mile and a half, but I didn’t have to worry about gas or wear and tear on my car.

7. Exercise self-control: There were so many times I had to tell myself ‘no’ – and I hated it! No to ice cream bars, no to new clothes and shoes, no to eating out. Once you learn how to have self-control, saying ‘no’ to yourself is not so bad.

I learned a great deal during those lean years – about me, about my ability to be resourceful and about others who love me. I knew I’d never go homeless or without food, but it was up to me to do whatever I could to take care of myself and be responsible for my financial obligations. I know now that I am a better person for enduring those lean years, even though they were so hard at the time.

If you are in the midst of some lean years, be encouraged, dear one. You will make it through this. Keep your chin up! Stay tuned. . . .