Isn’t It Time?

A couple of weeks ago, my sister posted the following question on Facebook, “How do you know when to let it go?” She never elaborated on what “it” is. I think her question is shared by many people. How do you know when to let (a relationship, a marriage, a fear, etc.) go? I have a few thoughts:

1. How is “it” affecting you? If whatever it is makes you feel physically ill, or causes you mental distress, or interfers with your ability to function in daily life, then you need to let it go. Holding on to something that is harming you is not good. It’s almost like willingly drinking poison.

2. Does the other person remember or care about the issue? My sister-in-law has held a grudge against me for over 27 years. I don’t even remember the incident. My brother had to remind me what happened that caused his wife’s grudge. She is the only one whom the pain of the grudge effects. I don’t feel any pain over the incident because I forgot all about it! Holding a grudge is liking drinking poison expecting the other person to die.

3. 10-10-10: Ten minutes from now, ten days from now, ten years from now – will “it” really matter? What effect will it have in/on your life?  How is it going to affect decisions you make?

4. Why are you holding onto “it”? Sometimes, we think that holding a grudge gives us ammunition against the other person. Unless you can shoot spears from your eyes, it really doesn’t give you any ammunition. Do you avoid the other person at gatherings, parties, when you see them out in public, etc.? That’s wasting quite a bit of energy – planning your “escape route” when you see that person, planning ahead what to do in case you do run into them, keeping up the negative feelings for that person. Life is so short – why waste your energy on being angry and negative when it only affects you? The reason you are holding on to it is only for you – the other person could care less.

5. We are not promised tomorrow: Being angry, holding a grudge, being fearful, being negative – these are all things that harm us. Life is too short already without cutting it even shorter by harboring negative emotions. What if the object of your anger or grudge were to die suddenly? Would you be happy? Or would you regret not having the chance to make amends?

Next month, I will be driving 8-10 hours by myself to another state in order to make amends with my sister-in-law. Her oldest son and his wife are pregnant with their first baby. I want to share in the joy of my brother’s first grandchild. I don’t want a grudge or a negative attitude to stand in the way of celebrating this little life. The Bible tells us that if we have offended someone, we are to go and make amends. It also tells us that if we have been offended, we need to go and clear things up with the other person. Either way, the responsibility for relational healing is on us. Is that fair? Not always, but what is the cost of a broken relationship? I would much rather approach my sister-in-law to make amends than to continue in this stupid relational impasse brought on by something I did over 27 years ago. It’s time to let this go.

Isn’t it time for you to let something go? The anger and bitterness toward ex? The grudge you’ve held against that person for the better part of a decade? The fear that no one will like you because you’re divorced? Your health, mental and physical, depends on your willingness to let it go. Stay tuned . . . .

Just Get Over It!

Those are the four harshest, most heartless words one can say to someone who has been through a traumatic experience like divorce. I had several people say that to me. I wanted to punch them in the face. Unless you have been through a divorce yourself, you have no idea what it’s like to have your world turned upside-down due to the infidelity, betrayal, abuse or addiction from someone you thought loved you. You pledge your devotion to this person and they stab you in the heart.

One does not ‘just get over it’ when one’s heart has been broken, one’s soul has been seared and one has been kicked in the gut time and time again. I tried to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, yet he still continued to act out, lie and give in to his addiction. He refused to get help. I finally gave up when I realized he would never take responsibility for his actions and continue to blame me, his parents and his children for his issues.

Those four words do not help at all. I understand that it’s frustrating to walk with someone through emotional pain and not seem to see any sign of things getting better for them. Unless you’ve walked where they are walking, you will never understand the depth of the pain. Why do 22 soldiers a day commit suicide? Because they are trying to get away from the pain they have experienced and continue to experience! Emotional pain goes far deeper than any physical pain ever can.

If you are walking with someone through the pain of divorce (or other difficult situation), purge the phrase, “Just get over it!” from your vocabulary! Try phrases like, “I’m here if you need to talk”, “How about if I buy you dinner this evening?”, “Let’s go take a walk”, etc. Let your countenance be gentle toward the one experiencing divorce or difficulty, but let your words be gentler still. Stay tuned . . .

Just Jump!

When my children were little and we’d go the pool, they always wanted to go off either the regular diving board or the high dive. However, they would do neither unless I was there to “catch” them. While they stood on the edge of the diving board, I treaded water with my arms out, ready to catch them. After what seemed like hours of encouragement – “Come on, honey, mommy’s here for you! Just jump, baby!!” – they would finally jump – on me. Do you know how hard it is to tread water using only your legs? Try it sometime!

I was glad when I got to graduate to pool-side encouragement instead of in-the-water encouragement. Still, I remember cheering my children on with, “Jump, (child’s name)! You can do it! You are so brave!”

I recently heard from a brave soul who is going back to school as a nontraditional student. My encouragement to her was, “You can do this!” I want to tell her to “Just jump!” It can be scary to take risks, especially into unfamiliar territory. Some people are natural risk takers and wouldn’t think twice about bungie jumping. Others will avoid risk at all costs. I think I am somewhere in between. I took the risk and returned to school as a nontraditional student. Not sure I’d do it again.

After my divorce, I was more at ease with taking risks. It was risky to stay in the relationship with Cycle Dude – would he love me? If so, would it be unconditionally or would there be strings attached? It was risky to go out and look for a job – am I really as good at what I do as I think I am? What if I say the wrong thing during the job interview? I knew I had to put my head up, be confident in my abilities and move forward.

Post divorce can be a rough place – you are left wondering if you really can do this thing called life. Yes, you can. Buck up, baby, and just jump! Stay tuned. . .

 

Keep Calm and Carry On

According to Wikipedia, “Keep calm and carry on” was a motivational poster produced by the British government in 1939 in order to boost the morale of the British people as they prepared to enter WWII. These days, “Keep calm” posters (mugs, memes, etc.) can be seen all over the place. I have a poster in my office that says, “Keep calm and sing Rocky Top”. One can insert other phrases after “Keep calm and . . . ” – pet your dog, drink tequila, just dance, etc.

I saw another addition to “Keep calm and . . .” that read, “. . . just be you.” You’ve just come out of a divorce, or maybe you’re several years post divorce, and you’re not sure what to do. The years with your ex were painful, but at least they were predictable – you knew he was going to do something. Yet now that you are divorced and alone, your days are anything but predictable. You may be depressed, or suffering from PTSD, or not sure what your next step is. Don’t panic! Keep calm.

Living post divorce is like moving, but you haven’t labeled all the boxes, so you’re not quite sure where everything is. You may feel like you’re sitting in the living room, surrounded by nameless boxes, wondering where the coffee maker and your favorite mug are. Don’t panic, keep calm. In time, this will all make sense. In time, you’ll figure out where everything is, where you are or where you need to be, and how to arrange your life as a single person once again. It will take some time and maybe even some professional help. The new “normal” will take a while to work itself out, but you will get there.

Finding the new normal isn’t always easy. A few things that may help:

1. Let the dust settle from your divorce before making any major decisions: You’ve just been through the wringer emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. It may feel great to finally be rid of ex and all his crap, but you need some time to process this new place in your life. Give yourself the time and the grace to begin healing without putting any added pressure on yourself by making a big decision (like buying another house, car, dating, etc.).

2. Allow yourself some alone time – and be okay with it! Chances are, you’ve been to court several times, seen your lawyer several times, had to take time off work for court, had to spend money you didn’t want to spend, and had to see ex. You’re worn out, especially emotionally. Give yourself some healing time. You just survived a train wreck! If you don’t want to go out with friends right away, that’s okay. If you need some quiet time to yourself, take it.

3. Take stock: You may or may not have lost your house in the divorce battle. You may be living in an apartment after years of living in a house. You may have had to sell some of your possessions to cover the lawyer’s fees. What do you have now? Take stock of your life – physically and emotionally. What do you have right now that you can move forward with? Possessions don’t mean as much as emotional strength does. Stuff is just stuff, but your emotional well-being is crucial. Begin your divorce healing journey with emotional healing. Please don’t hesitate to seek professional help during this time.

4. Take as long as you need to heal: I was told that the average woman takes 2-12 to 3 years to heal after a divorce. I believe that the amount of healing time depends on the length of the marriage and the kind of abuse endured during the marriage. I was married for almost 25 years and my ex was emotionally abusive. I am currently in therapy even though I am 6 years post divorce. Give yourself the grace and the resources to heal.

5. Adventure out only when you’re ready: Several months after my divorce, my oldest son told me, “Mom, just get over it!” It’s not that easy. I would “get over it” on my timetable. It’s been a long six years, but there have been people to help walk through my healing journey. I spent several years in a church doing nothing. I was broken and needed to heal. I did not want to minister out of my brokenness, I just wanted to sit and let the Lord heal me.  Now I am at a place where I feel I am ready to interact in and among others. It has taken me a while to get here, but it did not happen until I felt ready. I did not allow others to force me into doing something I was not ready to do.

“Keep calm and carry on” encourages us to keep going. Yes, bad things can happen, but we need to stay calm and encouraged and move forward. The British people were told, “Yes, all hell is going to break loose, but keep moving forward. Life your life courageously.” Today, keep calm and just be you, move forward and life your life courageously. Stay tuned . . .

Walking in Peace

I love to walk. I tried running one time, but my knees wouldn’t stop protesting! Walking is the cheapest form of exercise – all you need is a good pair of shoes. You can go as slow or as fast as you want to. You can go solo or with someone else. I often walk with my dogs. They love to walk even though it takes us a while. Jack has to let everyone know where he has been. Shirley picks up a scent and will not let it go! We often see rabbits and squirrels – both major distractions for Shirley.

I like to walk because I can think, pray, sing, talk to my dogs. I like to walk with Cycle Dude, too. Prior to my divorce, I walked to get out of the house and away from ex. It was so much more peaceful to walk with my Golden Retriever/Newfoundland mix named Jingle than it was to stay at home. I mostly walked to get away.

These days, I walk to get exercise and to enjoy nature and the company of my pups. I don’t walk to get away anymore. Walking for me is very peaceful, especially in the fall – one of my favorite times of the year. I like to get out and move around. I like the smell of the leaves, of peoples’ fireplaces, and of the cool evening air. I often say prayers of thanksgiving when I am walking in the evening with my dogs – thank you, God, for the many blessings You have given me, thank You for Your beautiful creation, thank You for the craziness that is my dogs, etc.

Going through a divorce is like walking through the desert in Southern Arizona without water – very difficult. There many other analogies with which to compare divorce. Suffice it to say, it’s one of most difficult things one can endure. Yet, being able to go out one’s front door and take a walk – around the neighborhood, around the high school track, through the woods, etc., is something that can bring great peace. Leave the day’s troubles behind and take a walk.

Walk off the stress of having to speak to your ex, dealing with lawyers, etc. Be aware of your feet hitting the ground, your lungs breathing in the air, your skin feeling the sunshine and the breeze. Listen to the birds singing, smell the flowering plants, notice the different colors of the trees, look up into the beautiful blue sky and see the fluffy white clouds. There are so many good distractions on a walk – things to take your mind off your troubles. Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. As you walk, be at peace. Stay tuned . . . .

 

Trials of This Life

Laura Story, a popular Christian artist, sings a song entitled, “Blessings”. The song talks about how we always pray for good things for ourselves and our loved ones. In the song, she poses the question, “What if trials of this life are blessings in disguise?” She says that when we don’t see immediate answered prayer, we doubt God’s love and we get angry that He has abandoned us.

That is not true. God promises that He will never, never, never leave us or forsake us. We may feel that He is not near, that He does not care – “Where are you in the midst of my heartache and pain, God? Why are you putting me through this? Why are you allowing this? How can such a good God allow so many bad things to happen?”

King David said the same things to God. Job questioned God in his anger. God said the same thing to both men, “I AM here.”

“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.” (Psalm 27:13)

I can say that He is here, that the trials of this life are blessings. I am not being “Pollyanna-ish” when I say that trials are blessings, but I have allowed the trials to change me. I remember sitting in a therapist’s office when I was in the middle of the divorce and sobbing until I had nothing left. My heart was broken, my soul felt dead, I truly felt abandoned. Yet, I knew God was there. He was with me in the kind and gentle words of two of the most amazing ladies who walked through the divorce with me. He was with me in the love of Cycle Dude. He was with me in the middle of the night when I cried and Jack  (my boxer/terrier) snuggled a little closer to me.

It is hard to admit that pain and heartache change us – some for the better, some for the worse. When we are faced with the trials of this life, how do we react? Do we lash out in anger because of the trial or do we say, “Ok. This hurts and I don’t want to be in this place, but teach me, Father. Let me be there for someone else who will go through this same thing.”

The trials I have endured have brought me closer to God, closer to Cycle Dude, closer to my children, closer to my two friends who were there for me. I am kinder, gentler, more compassionate and quicker to reach out to others. I know life is hard. I know life hurts. I know there are days when we want to wish it all away. Would I be a better person had I not gone through those trials? Maybe eventually. Maybe not.

If you are in the midst of a trial right now and feel you can’t endure any longer, sit down and close your eyes. Breathe a prayer of “Help!” to God. Cry until you have nothing left. Find that one close friend who will hug you as you cry or let you call her at 3am. I remember feeling so battle weary, so bereft of anything good or useful, so drained and empty. God is there. The trials of this life will draw you back to Him. Trust Him. Stay tuned . . . .

Yes, You Can!!

In previous blogs, I’ve written about divorce and PTSD, divorce and menopause, etc. Divorcing in mid-life might make us think that the best years are behind us. We married, raised our children, had a career, etc. We might feel weary, let down, beat up. Instead of feeling defeated from our divorce, we need to feel empowered!

I was divorced when I finally got my Bachelor’s degree – 31 years after I first set foot on a college campus! I was a non-traditional student in classes with students my children’s ages! I experienced the death of my father and a divorce while I was a student. I balanced work, school and being Mom for several years as a student. I ended up with a 3.3 GPA out of 4.0 for my college career.

Being divorced mid-life means you have a chance to start over. All the big stuff is behind you. What do you want to do with the next 30-40 years? Go back to school? Volunteer in your community? Learn a new skill? Travel? I got back to the identity I had before I got married, then I improved on it.

Being divorced does not need to hold you back. Find out who you are. Discover new things about yourself. Take this time in your life to look forward, not backward. Become a new, improved you. You can do it! Yes, you can! Stay tuned. . . .

Divorce and the ‘M’ Word

Divorce is difficult enough to go through without throwing something else in the mix over which you have no control – namely, menopause. Menopause is nothing to be ashamed of – countless women have gone through it for centuries. It’s just something that is part of being a woman. But it doesn’t make things any easier when you’re already facing a difficult time.

What can you do to make this time in your life a little easier while you are also going through a divorce? Much of what I’ve learned is in hindsight.

1.  Visit your healthcare provider: Talk to your doctor about hormone replacement therapy. For many women, HRT is not an option. This is something I stayed away from because of the high incidence of cancer in my family. If you are concerned about a link between HRT and the occurrence of cancer, talk to your doctor. Your doctor can also provide antidepressants to deal with the mood swings.

2. Explore different options to deal with mood swings and stress: Physical exercise has been shown to release endorphins, those ‘feel good’ hormones. WebMD states, “When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine.” Walking is the cheapest form of exercise and can be done just about anywhere. Yoga is also an exercise that relieves stress and provides a feeling of peace. There are many different herbal supplements to try as well. This website is a good resource:  https://www.womentowomen.com/menopause-perimenopause/five-steps-for-natural-menopause-relief-2/

3. Talk to someone: Many employers have EAP benefits (employee assistance programs) that provide a predetermined number of free visits to a mental health professional. If your employer does not provide that, seek out a trusted friend or speak to your pastor or clergy member. It seems to me that our thoughts lose their negative effect once we voice them. When left alone, our negative thoughts can rattle around in our heads and grow bigger and bigger and do more harm. For me, it helps to journal.

4. Be accountable to someone: Whether it’s a friend, therapist or clergy member, someone needs to walk with you through this time. There needs to be another person who will help you put things into perspective. You will need someone to help you work through some big decisions. You can’t and shouldn’t do this alone. Find a support group to help you through this time.

5. Realize that there are many changes occurring all at the same time and be gentle to yourself: You will be dealing with lawyers (both his and yours), court dates, discovery, time off of work, property division, etc. There is a great deal of stress involved in a divorce. It’s easy to let things go – eating properly, sleeping, etc. Take time to be gentle to yourself. Take a walk in the park, bake a batch of cookies, read a good book, take a nap. You are not expected to be Superwoman when you are going through two major life changes at the same time! Allow yourself to have a day of doing absolutely nothing. Need to stay in bed and cry? Do it. Need a day of purging your home of all ex’s stuff? Do it.

6. Lower your expectations: Don’t expect ex or his lawyer to be kind to you. Don’t expect yourself to have all the answers. Don’t expect the judge to understand your emotions. There will be many rotten days as you walk through the divorce. Don’t expect every day to be sunshine and puppies. Your body is changing and your life is changing. Give yourself grace.

7. Do Your Homework: You know that your body is changing. Do your homework – talk to your doctor, research on the internet, talk to friends who have experienced menopause. I just signed up for a series of lectures through Myjob presented by Red Hot Mamas (http://redhotmamas.org/).  Find out as much as you can about menopause, its symptoms and how to deal with these changes (http://redhotmamas.org/menopause-a-z/survival-tips/). The more you know about how menopause affects you, the more you can control how you are feeling.

You cannot control your ex, his lawyer, the justice system, etc. Pay attention to what you can control and let those things be one less distraction as you walk through the divorce. Stay tuned . . . .

 

Be Kind to Yourself

You’ve just come through the most difficult and painful event in your life – a divorce. The dust has settled from the lawyers, the custody (if applicable), the moving, the crying, and the despair. You feel like you’ve been run over by a Mack truck. You’re not sure if you’ll ever love again or are even lovable. Your self-esteem has taken a huge hit, your bank account looks like a toddler’s piggy bank, and you can’t seem to get out of bed. How do you kick-start yourself into your new life? How do find the “new normal”?

1.  Get out of bed: It all starts with putting your feet on the floor, standing up and moving forward. It’s okay to move slowly at first. It’s okay to go stand and look out the window. It’s okay to cry. But don’t just lay there. Get up and move. Move to the window and open the curtains or blinds. Move to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Move to the bathroom and take a soothing shower. Just move.

2. Take the day off: It’s okay to call in sick to work. You need the time today to pull yourself together. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to do nothing at all. Sure, dishes may need to be done, the bed needs to be made, the bathroom needs to be cleaned – but forget about all that today. Take the dogs out on a walk. Or go for a walk around your neighborhood or apartment complex by yourself. Call a close friend and meet for coffee or lunch.

3. Take stock: Look around you. What kinds of things are filling your life, your home? Sort and purge. Get rid of anything that reminds you of ex. If it makes you cry, get rid of it. Anything you don’t need, haven’t used or worn in a year, or will never use or wear again is fair game. Take it all to Goodwill.

4. Take charge: This is your life, now. You are in charge. What do you want to do, to be, etc? Your bank has resources to help you get your bank account in order. The Better Business Bureau has resources to help you find a good mechanic for your car. Home Depot and Lowe’s have classes to teach you home improvement skills. Your local community college offers evening classes so you can brush up on your skills or gain new skills for a better job. You have the choice of where you want your life to go now.

5. Take care: Many women experience PTSD after a divorce. The stress of a divorce can also have profound physical effects. Don’t hesitate to speak to your doctor about depression. Your doctor may also be able to recommend a good mental health professional. If not, many employers now have an Employee Assistance Program that you can take advantage of. The EAP offers many different services, like a certain number of free visits to a mental healthcare professional. Make use of that benefit.

6. Seek out help for big decisions: Now that you are on your own, you will need to make some big decisions (Which healthcare plan to choose at work? How much to put into a retirement account? How do I make a budget and stick to it?) Seek help in making those big decisions. Talk to a trusted friend or to your pastor. Your HR department at work will also be able to help with the healthcare plan and the retirement account. Don’t go it alone when making big decisions.

7. Be kind to yourself: It will take some time to heal from the divorce. Allow yourself that time. Don’t get angry if you seem to be taking longer than you thought you would on your healing journey. Everyone recovers differently. Give yourself permission to take your time, to heal slowly, to become whole again.

Divorce is a major, life-altering event. You will go through many different emotions as you walk forward and begin your healing journey. Your life will never be the same – don’t expect it to be. Take your time in figuring out the new normal. Take your time in getting healthy so you can feel like you again. Stay tuned . . .

Having a Bad Day?

I rarely post three times in one day. However, I have run across ideas and resources today that I wanted to share. Why? Mainly because divorce sucks and it is hard and sometimes you just need some encouragement. You need someone to say, “You know, you might be having a bad day today, but you will get through it. You will grow and come out of this horrible experience a better person. Forget about ex (whatta jerk, eh?)! This is your life, your time and you can do this.”

Following are a couple of great “must-reads” if you’re having a bad divorce day. Take heart! Be encouraged! You are stronger than you realize!

http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/empty-nest-and-divorce-at-the-same-time-really-being-alone

http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/youve-got-this-10-signs-youre-doing-great-after-divorce

http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/single-mom-second-chance/women-and-happiness-some-lessons-learned-along-the-way

Go home tonight, have a glass of wine and read these articles. Take a deep breath and know this, too, shall pass. Hugs! Stay tuned . . . .