Tag Archives: healing

Lawn Mower

I recently read about the new trend in parenting, the “Lawn Mower Parent”. These folks seem far worse than the “Helicopter Parent”. The Lawn Mower Parent mows down every obstacle in their child’s life so the child doesn’t have to overcome adversity, etc. Needless to say, this kind of parenting will produce very weak, pampered and entitled people – even more so that the Helicopter Parent.

A child is like a butterfly. If you help the butterfly out of its cocoon, it will die. the butterfly needs to struggle out of the cocoon to gain strength. It needs to let its wings unfold slowly so they will dry and also be strong. We do our children no favors when we mow down the obstacles for them. The obstacles are what causes strength and resiliency in a person’s life. Are they fun? Heck, no! But they are needed to allow us to grow into strong, healthy people.

One cannot live one’s life without some pain and adversity. I know of people who try to avoid pain at all costs – their lives are dull and they are dull. Getting out of bed in the morning is inviting pain and adversity. My divorce was one of the most painful things I had ever been through. I would much rather had gone through natural childbirth again! But I have come out of it a much stronger and more compassionate person.

We can spend so much time mowing down pain and adversity that we have little time for anything else. We may be mowing down flowers or insects – the little things that make life special. Weeds continue to pop up in different parts of the yard. As we go after one weed, another pops up and at the end of the day we are exhausted from mowing. Put the lawn mower away. A few weeds are good.

Yes, pain and adversity are not pleasant. That’s a ‘duhism’. But pain and adversity help us to become stronger. We grow and change in ways we never thought possible. And through that growth and change, we are able to be more empathetic toward others as they face pain and diversity in their lives. Isn’t that part of what life is about – helping one another along on this journey? Life is an adventure, live it! Stay tuned. . . .

Advertisements

Looking in the Rear View Mirror

When I was learning to drive (way back in the Dark Ages), my Driver’s Ed teacher told us we should constantly be scanning the rear view and side mirrors. I thought, “How can I do that and keep my mind on what’s in front of me?”

The aftermath of a divorce is sort of like driving – you have a destination and you need to keep your mind on what’s ahead of you, not constantly what’s behind you. Every now and then, my past raises its ugly head and I can easily get distracted and not be able to focus on the here and now and what is ahead. I have to remember that a) my past is under the grace of God and b) my past is past.

Sometimes it’s easy to go down that slippery slope and want to get caught up in the past. We have regrets, we feel angry, sad or bitter. Stop that!! Just like the rear view mirror on a car, the past is a tool: learn from your past, understand your mistakes, mature past your mistakes and move on. If you are constantly looking in the rear view mirror while you are driving, you’ll smash into something ahead of you! The same thing goes with your healing journey – look ahead, not behind.

In 1989, Christian Artist Bob Bennett released, “Lord of the Past”:

Every harsh word spoken
Every promise ever broken to me
Total recall of data in the memory
Every tear that has washed my face
Every moment of disgrace that I have known
Every time I’ve ever felt alone

Lord of the here and now
Lord of the come what may
I want to believe somehow
That you can heal these wounds of yesterday
(You can redeem these things so far away)
So now I’m asking you
To do what you want to do
Be the Lord of the Past
(Be the Lord of my Past)
Oh how I want you to
Be the Lord of the Past

All the chances I let slip by
All the dreams that I let die in vain
Afraid of failure and afraid of pain
Every tear that has washed my face
Every moment of disgrace that I have known
Every time I’ve ever felt alone

Today, resolve to spend more time looking ahead than looking behind. After all, you can’t change the past. Learn from it. Let God heal it. Stay tuned. . . .

 

 

 

Sorting It Out

When I was getting ready to move in with Cycle Dude, I realized I had boxes and boxes of stuff I needed to sort through. I sorted and sorted and threw away and gave away stuff until I was blue in the face! Yet, I still moved into Cycle Dude’s house with what seemed like a million boxes! Now, eighteen months later, there are far fewer boxes and bins and I am still sorting and giving away stuff!

When I first started dating Cycle Dude, I was very conscious of the baggage I carried from my divorce. I did not want to take that baggage into a relationship. I was in counseling for a long time to unpack that baggage and finally get rid of it.

I held on to a lot of junk for a long time – both in the boxes and bins I carried with me every time I moved and in the emotional place in my heart. It took a while to sort it all out – to determine what stuff is worth keeping and what stuff is worth getting rid of.

What do I keep? I keep items that have sentimental or monetary value – family photos, gifts from my children, etc., and items that are part of the better me. I keep the strength I developed though the adversity of my marriage, I keep the ability to make wise decisions from the time I spent on my own.

What do I get rid of? I get rid of anything regarding ex, anything that has not or will not change my life for the better, anything I won’t use in the next 3 months. I get rid of the anger, the bitterness and the desire for vengeance. I get rid of anything that is not the better me.

It takes a while to sort it all out after a divorce – physically and emotionally. If you have been married for any length of time, it will take a while to untangle the tentacles of anger and bitterness. Give yourself grace. If you’re not quite ready to sort through that box, or talk about your experience, it’s okay. Healing and sorting take time. Learn to become a better you. Stay tuned. . .

Independence Day

I remember when I was first divorced. Even though I knew for several years that my marriage was over, it was still difficult to sort through the emotions, the finances, and all the stuff from my marriage. It wasn’t until I moved into an apartment almost two years after the divorce that I finally felt independent – totally separated from my marriage and the pain it represented.

I learned a great deal by truly being on my own and being financially, physically and mentally responsible for just me (and my pups, of course!). I enjoyed being on my own. It never got very lonely because I had Jack and Shirley. Cycle Dude would come for dinner once a week and I’d drive out to his place, too. I remember sitting in my napping chair with the canine children and either watching a movie, listening to the rain or taking a nice nap. Those things brought me great joy.

I moved in with Cycle Dude almost two years ago, but I have still retained my independence. However, this independence is a bit different. Cycle Dude and I are different people, yet we enjoy those differences and love each other. We give each other space, but encourage one another in our different pursuits. He bikes, I quilt. He reads, I binge-watch. I am there to cheer him on when he does bike marathons. He gives his approval to my quilt designs. We both love working with our hands – he builds stuff, I sew stuff.

My divorce represented my independence from a painful relationship. That is a day I will never forget. The day I moved in with Cycle Dude represented my independence in a loving relationship. That is a day I will never forget, either. Cycle Dude is kind, loving and respects me for who I am and I am grateful that he encourages my independence and doesn’t stifle it. I do the same for him.

When was your independence day? Celebrate the unique person you are and encourage that uniqueness in others. Stay tuned. . . .

Learning to Walk

I am so excited that I get to see my grandbaby over Easter. I am flying to where my son lives and will spend Easter weekend with him, my daughter-in-law and my grandbaby. My sister also lives in the area, so I will spend time with her and her family as well. The fun thing about having a grandbaby is watching her grow and watching my son and his wife marvel as she reaches her developmental milestones. One of these days, my grandbaby will learn to walk. (Not quite yet, though. She was born in at the end of 2017.)

Learning to walk is a huge milestone for a child. There is so much involved – balance, gross motor skills, muscular and skeletal development, hand-eye coordination, etc. Learning to walk is no small feet (misspelling and pun intended!). Many adults have had to learn to walk again, too. They have had to progress from that infant-like state as well. One must learn to stand before one can walk. And one must learn to walk before one can run. There’s no skipping the proper physiological progression.

Life can  be difficult after a traumatic experience – divorce, an accident, etc. It is tempting to want to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers. We all know that’s not practical. In order to move forward in our lives, to heal and become stronger, we must learn to walk again. What does that look like?

1. Don’t be afraid: When a child is afraid to walk, she will sit down and cry. A child who is eager to walk will pull herself up and walk around the coffee table, then walk as you hold her hands, then she’ll walk to you and then with you. Yes, she will fall, but she keeps trying. Fear kills dreams, adventure and even life. Fear not. Move forward.

2. Don’t look back: The past is the past for a reason – because it’s done and over with. Look forward. Set and achieve goals. Dream big dreams. Laugh at your own silly jokes. Experience the freedom that comes with moving forward.

3. Don’t dwell on it: Whatever “it” is – a divorce, an accident, a death – let it go. We will grieve for that which is lost, but the grief cannot and should not last forever. Grief, despair, depression, anger and bitterness – these are all soul-destroyers. Don’t let the negative emotions and thoughts destroy you. If you are stuck here, seek out professional help.

4. Do stop and take a deep breath: Trauma – whatever it is – saps your energy. From days spent in court to days spent in the hospital or in counseling – you feel drained. Stop. Take a deep breath and know that you will be okay. Give yourself the grace and the time to heal – to renew your energy.

5. Do have a grateful heart: There is always something to be grateful for. Your support group, the medical personnel, your friends – these are all the ‘scaffolding’, if you will, who held you together during the trauma. Be grateful for them. Be grateful for your life.

Sometimes, it hurts to walk. Your muscles may be sore. You may have a misshapen limb. You may have fallen and bruised your knee. Walking is a milestone in your healing journey. It represents months of hard work. Soon, you will be running and will never look back. Life is an adventure! Live it! Stay tuned. . . .

 

A Journey of a Thousand Miles

Before I was divorced, I remember waking up in the morning, dreading the day and thinking, “What am I going to find out about today?” It seemed that each day brought a discovery of yet another thing ex had done. I was worn out. Then came the decision to divorce. That was not a difficult decision at all. The hard part was getting ex to do anything – sign papers, pay alimony (of which he still has not completed, 7 years later), etc. I guess he thought that if he ignored me, I’d go away.

Life immediately following the divorce was almost as bad as life prior to the divorce. The worst thing was not ex (although he was pretty bad), but the emotional untangling of myself from him. I felt as if I was being ripped apart. His actions didn’t make it any easier. Many days, I just wanted to go hide under my bed until it all went away. But I couldn’t do that.

I knew that I had to keep going, to keep living my life. My daughter was still at home, so I had to keep going for her sake. One day, I read the quote that said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. I felt beat down, knowing that my journey had just begun and it was going to be much longer than a thousand miles. Yet, I knew I had to move forward. I knew I had to stand up, take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. I could do this journey one step at a time. I didn’t need to worry about the next 999 plus steps.

My mom often told me to take it one day at a time. There were days when I had to take it one hour at a time. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when we see the big picture, when we see the long road ahead. It feels like we have to cross Death Valley in the middle of July! The journey doesn’t seem to bad if we take it one step at a time. Stay tuned. . . .

 

Frog Song

Yesterday morning, when I left for work, I heard a sound I had not expected to hear so soon in the year – the croaking of tree frogs. It was very faint, but I heard it. I heard the frogs again last night. To me, the frog song is a comforting sound because I associate it with spring. I also noticed that the jonquils are starting to push up through the leaf litter in Cycle Dude’s side yard. All signs of spring!

It hasn’t been a particularly nasty winter here in Mystate, but it’s been very wet. That means there will be many, many plants blooming when it begins to get warmer. More plants blooming, more allergies. I fully expect my allergies to be bad this season. But, I digress.

Scientists have found that certain sounds and smells evoke deep memories. For me, the frog song reminds me sitting on the back deck at my house several years ago, enjoying dinner or a glass of wine. The smell of coffee reminds me of traveling with my parents. The smell of bacon and eggs reminds me of my grandma’s house. There are many good memories that accompany these reminders.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative after a divorce. I want to take this opportunity to focus on the positive. What kinds of sounds or smells evoke good memories for you? Focus on how you felt – the happiness, the comfort, the love. The frog song also reminds me of finding a tree frog under a glass table last year on Cycle Dude’s front patio. The memory of laughter and wonder is sweet.

Take time to discover your “frog song” – that sound or smell that brings back sweet memories. Focus on the good things in your life. Life is an adventure. Live it! Stay tuned . . . .